last semester, the theatre after school program at my school created a piece for their closing performance that was supposed to be called "ace of love" but apparently their students (all but one were black), chose to change the name to "ace of spades" at the very last minute. when the first spade dropped, i immediately looked around the auditorium, and since spade isn't a common word, particularly for the current generation of kids we teach, the term was lost on them. i did observe our program adiminstrator, a white, miltary man in his late 40s, looking mighty uncomfortable, which only served to validate that i heard what i heard.

by the time the second and third spades dropped, i was furious. i can't even begin to describe how disheartening it is to see a group of young black students calling themselves spades for the entertainment of others, especially when their instructors are people of color who really should know better. nothing like encouraging our kids to be happy, singin', dancin' darkies! can the return of Step'n Fetchit be far behind?

i confronted all three of the theatre instructors, all of whom had no idea of the word spade's meaning beyond a deck of cards. only one apologized to me when i told them how incredibly offended i was. i wasn't after an apology, even though i appreciated and know he meant his; i wanted accountability.

this year, i wasn't present for the closing theatre performance, but my teaching partner told me the word nigger was used in their performance. i don't know what context the word was dropped in, but i know this semester, their group was exploring oppression. however, it feels to me like the lessons that should have been learned from last semester, weren't.

is it unreasonable of me to expect supposedly conscious people of color to understand the implications of their student's choice to call themselves spades, or any other racist term for that matter, and address it with them? or perhaps i'm expecting too much? if you're not black, and have never been called a spade or a nigger, am i supposed to expect that you'll understand why as a black person who teaches youth, i don't want the black kids you or i teach to use those words to describe themselves? as a non-black person, do you understand the impact those words have had on those of us who are black, especially if we're the ones using them? how do you really think i feel every time i hear a black youth call his friend a nigger? for that matter, how do you think i feel when i hear a vietnamese kid, or a puerto rican kid, or a white kid call their homeboys niggas?

part of the reason i outlawed the word in my program is because i am not a nigger, and neither is *any* black youth i work with. we need to stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of racists who dubbed us niggers in the first place. we need to stop embracing a word that led to our ancestors enslavement and death.

i wish i'd had these videos at the beginning of the semester.

Julian Curry - "Niggers Niggas & Niggaz"

The History of the Word Nigga

on a related note, a small group of my philipino friends were discussing tagalog and who with their circle spoke it and were learning it. another philipino friend of mine who doesn't know any of them, and overheard their conversation said to me "who cares, you're in america, speak english." we have so much work to do on ourselves individually, that i sometimes wonder how the hell we're going to get anywhere collectively.